STOLEN JOURNAL
A public listing of all the bizarre occurrences that I can presently think of (for as long as my attention span will permit me to scribe):
1. The day I ran to the ocean after reading about Falcon9 and Dragon. I found a boat stuck in the sand and I heard God tell me to get on the boat and to dance and eventually two men with a little blonde girl came and said, "Thank you, Jesus, for saving your little girl." Shortly after, I was rushed to the ER after several angelic type beings rushed to my side out of nowhere. One of them was wiping the tears away from my eyes. I told them I was 37 and they said I was 35 instead. I thanked them for the discount. In the hospital, I was kept for a day. There was a guard who never left the whole time; certainly, a very, very long shift. By then end, I was convinced that this black man had actually been Jesus. There was a stenographer who came into the room to keep track of everything I said and they took pictures of my lungs. Why? I had done nothing to indicate any sort of respiratory problem.
2. The guy in the laundromat who looked so much like Jeremy that I couldn't help but take a pic and stare. He and his pal were clearly monitoring me and not actually doing laundry. As I was finishing, they just split. Bennett called shortly after congratulating himself on his creativity.
---------------------------------------This is my attention span. Part 1.--------------------------------------------
Saturday, July 16, 2016
Sunday, May 22, 2016
Hey Jer Bear
What a ride it has been, this last year.
I am just going to write down memories here as I know no one but myself and God are reading this. And perhaps if you are reading this, you should question things as there is no possible way in the world you would be reading this unless you God told you to come here.
So. Wow. It's May 22, 2016. The love of my life left on August 4th, 2014. Okay so it was the 2nd or the 4th, but I've got to make this like I have done my research on the dates...which I have not. So, okay now you know the truth. My memory is fading about the dates. The dates of things have ALWAYS mattered to me. So, the fact that the dates are being erased is a sure sign that the toxicity of what has occurred is being erased.
Back to the story. He left. We were still together at the time and our relationship had never been better. It hit me like a ton of bricks. In my performance-oriented perfectionism, I really could not understand it at all. He had committed to sobriety and I was being chill and cool and we were experiencing true intimacy. He then announced that he was moving back to the city that we had moved to Los Angeles from. There was no discussion. There was never really any discussion with him. Things were his way or they were not. It required complete strangers in the form of patrons at the restaurant I was working at to tell me that that is not okay in a romantic relationship. I could not see it for myself. This middle-aged man told me that it was a sure sign that something was deeply wrong because a man who loves me would be considering how to move forward TOGETHER. I used to know these things but I had spent two years doing things his way or facing the wrath of his temper and/or tantrum if things were not his way.
I do hope that if you are reading this, Jeremy, that you will understand that I have to get this out. This isn't meant to shame you, hurt you or offend you. This is my side. And I feel it important to remind you that I DO have one. I matter. I'm not what you reduced me to and I refuse to ever consider myself that again. I am, in fact, committed to your healing. I have always been for you and I have always believed in you. Why would your childish, sin-nature be a reason to not continue to love you? The reality is and I hope you can hear this...I know you. I know you better than anyone else on this planet knows you. And you me. That is scary because it requires a certain level of responsibility and maturity that I don't think either of us was ready for. The nastiness of the sin you were born into came out and that is what is supposed to happen in a deep, romantic, covenant relationship. I know your spirit man understands that we are in covenant relationship...even if neither one of us understands how we got there in the first place. For if you did not, you would never have said many of the things you said to me. The reality presently is you and I cannot be around one another because I am following Christ and you are not. I've seen your intentional Instagramming from your highly-talented roommate, posing as a couple when you are not. That's okay. I am moving forward with my life. The reality is: I will not be in relationship with an alcoholic. Your needs need to be met by Yeshua...not a bottle of tasty poison. Not by women. Not by pornography. When he is first, he will bring you back to me. I know it.
Wow. This has been a rant.
Babe, I hope you are sitting in front of the computer right now reading this with your jaw just ajar. How could I know? How would I possibly want to stay after all you said, after all you did, after all the pain? How could I possibly love you when it cost me my sanity, my home, my animals, my car? How could I? Does love cost that much? All I can say is my faith in Jesus and his resurrection power and his ability to transform and change a life, to seek that which is lost and to find him, his ability to let us suffer until the last moment and then rescue us from our slimy pits and place our feet on firm ground is true. It is true. He is a good, good God. He is a good, good Father. So, I KNOW that he will be that to you, too. I know you are going through difficult things. Me too. I know you love me. I know that I know that I know that you love me. And I know that I love you. You are amazing and I'm looking forward to hearing the story of how God brought you home.
I am just going to write down memories here as I know no one but myself and God are reading this. And perhaps if you are reading this, you should question things as there is no possible way in the world you would be reading this unless you God told you to come here.
So. Wow. It's May 22, 2016. The love of my life left on August 4th, 2014. Okay so it was the 2nd or the 4th, but I've got to make this like I have done my research on the dates...which I have not. So, okay now you know the truth. My memory is fading about the dates. The dates of things have ALWAYS mattered to me. So, the fact that the dates are being erased is a sure sign that the toxicity of what has occurred is being erased.
Back to the story. He left. We were still together at the time and our relationship had never been better. It hit me like a ton of bricks. In my performance-oriented perfectionism, I really could not understand it at all. He had committed to sobriety and I was being chill and cool and we were experiencing true intimacy. He then announced that he was moving back to the city that we had moved to Los Angeles from. There was no discussion. There was never really any discussion with him. Things were his way or they were not. It required complete strangers in the form of patrons at the restaurant I was working at to tell me that that is not okay in a romantic relationship. I could not see it for myself. This middle-aged man told me that it was a sure sign that something was deeply wrong because a man who loves me would be considering how to move forward TOGETHER. I used to know these things but I had spent two years doing things his way or facing the wrath of his temper and/or tantrum if things were not his way.
I do hope that if you are reading this, Jeremy, that you will understand that I have to get this out. This isn't meant to shame you, hurt you or offend you. This is my side. And I feel it important to remind you that I DO have one. I matter. I'm not what you reduced me to and I refuse to ever consider myself that again. I am, in fact, committed to your healing. I have always been for you and I have always believed in you. Why would your childish, sin-nature be a reason to not continue to love you? The reality is and I hope you can hear this...I know you. I know you better than anyone else on this planet knows you. And you me. That is scary because it requires a certain level of responsibility and maturity that I don't think either of us was ready for. The nastiness of the sin you were born into came out and that is what is supposed to happen in a deep, romantic, covenant relationship. I know your spirit man understands that we are in covenant relationship...even if neither one of us understands how we got there in the first place. For if you did not, you would never have said many of the things you said to me. The reality presently is you and I cannot be around one another because I am following Christ and you are not. I've seen your intentional Instagramming from your highly-talented roommate, posing as a couple when you are not. That's okay. I am moving forward with my life. The reality is: I will not be in relationship with an alcoholic. Your needs need to be met by Yeshua...not a bottle of tasty poison. Not by women. Not by pornography. When he is first, he will bring you back to me. I know it.
Wow. This has been a rant.
Babe, I hope you are sitting in front of the computer right now reading this with your jaw just ajar. How could I know? How would I possibly want to stay after all you said, after all you did, after all the pain? How could I possibly love you when it cost me my sanity, my home, my animals, my car? How could I? Does love cost that much? All I can say is my faith in Jesus and his resurrection power and his ability to transform and change a life, to seek that which is lost and to find him, his ability to let us suffer until the last moment and then rescue us from our slimy pits and place our feet on firm ground is true. It is true. He is a good, good God. He is a good, good Father. So, I KNOW that he will be that to you, too. I know you are going through difficult things. Me too. I know you love me. I know that I know that I know that you love me. And I know that I love you. You are amazing and I'm looking forward to hearing the story of how God brought you home.
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
A Late Night Apology
I hereby render my apologies to my mother-in-law. She told me to let go. I see the beauty in your wisdom.
Thank you.
Thank you.
The Difficulty of These Days
It is not that I have nothing to write to you, my dear ones.
On the contrary, I have so much to write that it is overwhelming. I keep the notes to myself now as I know I am pretty much only speaking to myself at this point. For all others who need to know presently, do know presently and the present will present itself in due time.
The mind of a riddler and the body of a saint. It is hidden within these four walls but where the walls are I dare not say. It is written and sealed shut and will be opened the day my mouth says its name in the presence of the right company.
Amazing how the Mercury rises today and the sad waxing of the moon comes over me as I gain water to wash it away. How I wish for restoration and for us to become one. My light, you are so bright. As I count the days and observe the times, I feel you drawing nearer. It is written in the clouds and the very fabric of time itself. Always there for me to see. Always waiting for me to uncover it. And always, the north pointing star which I did bear was the truest.
All My Love,
Kristin
On the contrary, I have so much to write that it is overwhelming. I keep the notes to myself now as I know I am pretty much only speaking to myself at this point. For all others who need to know presently, do know presently and the present will present itself in due time.
The mind of a riddler and the body of a saint. It is hidden within these four walls but where the walls are I dare not say. It is written and sealed shut and will be opened the day my mouth says its name in the presence of the right company.
Amazing how the Mercury rises today and the sad waxing of the moon comes over me as I gain water to wash it away. How I wish for restoration and for us to become one. My light, you are so bright. As I count the days and observe the times, I feel you drawing nearer. It is written in the clouds and the very fabric of time itself. Always there for me to see. Always waiting for me to uncover it. And always, the north pointing star which I did bear was the truest.
All My Love,
Kristin
Sunday, May 31, 2015
Letting Go is Unbiblical
I charge you to question anyone who tells you to adopt the ungodly, unspiritual mantra of "let go."
Nowhere in the Bible do we find the words "let go" or "let go and let God." This is false teaching and you should be very wary of any person who instructs you in this false way.
What we see in the word of God is his admonishment of those who did not let go. Those who had faith for the promises of God, who had faith in his spoken word to them personally and who continued on despite all odds and bad counsel of man, were revered and considered not only examples of faith but were called righteous in God's sight.
I admonish you that if you are able to let something go (which takes more mental and spiritual effort than faith) you are not practicing faith and it is outright spiritual defiance to the word of God. We are told to hold on to his promises to believe him and to not waver.
Keep your armor on, fellow travelers of Light! The battle is long but is longer if you are working against God and his Word.
An article I found that is sound:
http://www.gotquestions.org/let-go-and-let-God.html
Nowhere in the Bible do we find the words "let go" or "let go and let God." This is false teaching and you should be very wary of any person who instructs you in this false way.
What we see in the word of God is his admonishment of those who did not let go. Those who had faith for the promises of God, who had faith in his spoken word to them personally and who continued on despite all odds and bad counsel of man, were revered and considered not only examples of faith but were called righteous in God's sight.
I admonish you that if you are able to let something go (which takes more mental and spiritual effort than faith) you are not practicing faith and it is outright spiritual defiance to the word of God. We are told to hold on to his promises to believe him and to not waver.
Keep your armor on, fellow travelers of Light! The battle is long but is longer if you are working against God and his Word.
An article I found that is sound:
http://www.gotquestions.org/let-go-and-let-God.html
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
On Canvassing
Canvassing sucks.
one. you are eating on curbs and have no water unless you brought it.
two. i can't afford to bring my own food.
three. everyone says no.
four. most people don't even open their doors.
five. most people don't even open their metal gates so you can't even see their faces.
six. the walking.
seven. no effective training.
eight. i have more questions than i have answers for.
nine. i was told i didn't have to be pushy.
ten. now i'm being told i need to be aggressive.
fuck.
this.
shit.
one. you are eating on curbs and have no water unless you brought it.
two. i can't afford to bring my own food.
three. everyone says no.
four. most people don't even open their doors.
five. most people don't even open their metal gates so you can't even see their faces.
six. the walking.
seven. no effective training.
eight. i have more questions than i have answers for.
nine. i was told i didn't have to be pushy.
ten. now i'm being told i need to be aggressive.
fuck.
this.
shit.
Sunday, May 24, 2015
On Competition
Ashish. Aalok. Rohit.
Those were the names of my earliest competitors in life.
The Sahai boys. The sons of the local doctors and they happened to be in my elementary class growing up. They became my first guy friends in life as well. And they were smart.
They were real smart. They were the ones who always got 100% on everything. If they didn't get 100%, it was a big deal to them.
Early on I decided that I would be as good as them. And I was. I excelled at math and got the same scores as they did and once or twice beat them even. Imagine my joy. I beat one of the Sahai boys. I knew that I could do anything if I put my mind to it.
I remember finding out that all three of them would be skipping a grade and would no longer be in class with me. It was a blow. I was performing as well as them. I didn't have the prestige or family legacy in academics that they did and I didn't have parents or culture pushing me to get somewhere quickly either. I felt kind of dumped. Why didn't anyone notice that I was as smart as they were?
So after years of sort of wandering aimlessly academically and getting into loads of trouble because I was as bored as bored could be, I found my first boyfriend. He was smart. That's why I liked him. He was kind and he was fun to be around and he cared about his physique but really, he was smart and he helped me want to do better and be the best. We spent some of our date nights studying and doing math with one of his best friends.
You get the picture.
I love smart men. I love nerds. I love being a nerd. I love having something to strive for and someone to compete against. Of course, your only competition is yourself. But, my life experience says that if someone else is doing it better than you, you can do it better too.
Thanks, Lumosity, for your horrible math section which flooded me with memories of who I used to be and who I actually am.
Those were the names of my earliest competitors in life.
The Sahai boys. The sons of the local doctors and they happened to be in my elementary class growing up. They became my first guy friends in life as well. And they were smart.
They were real smart. They were the ones who always got 100% on everything. If they didn't get 100%, it was a big deal to them.
Early on I decided that I would be as good as them. And I was. I excelled at math and got the same scores as they did and once or twice beat them even. Imagine my joy. I beat one of the Sahai boys. I knew that I could do anything if I put my mind to it.
I remember finding out that all three of them would be skipping a grade and would no longer be in class with me. It was a blow. I was performing as well as them. I didn't have the prestige or family legacy in academics that they did and I didn't have parents or culture pushing me to get somewhere quickly either. I felt kind of dumped. Why didn't anyone notice that I was as smart as they were?
So after years of sort of wandering aimlessly academically and getting into loads of trouble because I was as bored as bored could be, I found my first boyfriend. He was smart. That's why I liked him. He was kind and he was fun to be around and he cared about his physique but really, he was smart and he helped me want to do better and be the best. We spent some of our date nights studying and doing math with one of his best friends.
You get the picture.
I love smart men. I love nerds. I love being a nerd. I love having something to strive for and someone to compete against. Of course, your only competition is yourself. But, my life experience says that if someone else is doing it better than you, you can do it better too.
Thanks, Lumosity, for your horrible math section which flooded me with memories of who I used to be and who I actually am.
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