What a ride it has been, this last year.
I am just going to write down memories here as I know no one but myself and God are reading this. And perhaps if you are reading this, you should question things as there is no possible way in the world you would be reading this unless you God told you to come here.
So. Wow. It's May 22, 2016. The love of my life left on August 4th, 2014. Okay so it was the 2nd or the 4th, but I've got to make this like I have done my research on the dates...which I have not. So, okay now you know the truth. My memory is fading about the dates. The dates of things have ALWAYS mattered to me. So, the fact that the dates are being erased is a sure sign that the toxicity of what has occurred is being erased.
Back to the story. He left. We were still together at the time and our relationship had never been better. It hit me like a ton of bricks. In my performance-oriented perfectionism, I really could not understand it at all. He had committed to sobriety and I was being chill and cool and we were experiencing true intimacy. He then announced that he was moving back to the city that we had moved to Los Angeles from. There was no discussion. There was never really any discussion with him. Things were his way or they were not. It required complete strangers in the form of patrons at the restaurant I was working at to tell me that that is not okay in a romantic relationship. I could not see it for myself. This middle-aged man told me that it was a sure sign that something was deeply wrong because a man who loves me would be considering how to move forward TOGETHER. I used to know these things but I had spent two years doing things his way or facing the wrath of his temper and/or tantrum if things were not his way.
I do hope that if you are reading this, Jeremy, that you will understand that I have to get this out. This isn't meant to shame you, hurt you or offend you. This is my side. And I feel it important to remind you that I DO have one. I matter. I'm not what you reduced me to and I refuse to ever consider myself that again. I am, in fact, committed to your healing. I have always been for you and I have always believed in you. Why would your childish, sin-nature be a reason to not continue to love you? The reality is and I hope you can hear this...I know you. I know you better than anyone else on this planet knows you. And you me. That is scary because it requires a certain level of responsibility and maturity that I don't think either of us was ready for. The nastiness of the sin you were born into came out and that is what is supposed to happen in a deep, romantic, covenant relationship. I know your spirit man understands that we are in covenant relationship...even if neither one of us understands how we got there in the first place. For if you did not, you would never have said many of the things you said to me. The reality presently is you and I cannot be around one another because I am following Christ and you are not. I've seen your intentional Instagramming from your highly-talented roommate, posing as a couple when you are not. That's okay. I am moving forward with my life. The reality is: I will not be in relationship with an alcoholic. Your needs need to be met by Yeshua...not a bottle of tasty poison. Not by women. Not by pornography. When he is first, he will bring you back to me. I know it.
Wow. This has been a rant.
Babe, I hope you are sitting in front of the computer right now reading this with your jaw just ajar. How could I know? How would I possibly want to stay after all you said, after all you did, after all the pain? How could I possibly love you when it cost me my sanity, my home, my animals, my car? How could I? Does love cost that much? All I can say is my faith in Jesus and his resurrection power and his ability to transform and change a life, to seek that which is lost and to find him, his ability to let us suffer until the last moment and then rescue us from our slimy pits and place our feet on firm ground is true. It is true. He is a good, good God. He is a good, good Father. So, I KNOW that he will be that to you, too. I know you are going through difficult things. Me too. I know you love me. I know that I know that I know that you love me. And I know that I love you. You are amazing and I'm looking forward to hearing the story of how God brought you home.
